The Difference Between Dating For The Bag And Being The Bag

The dating shift that changes everything

A Chanel bag might cost around $10,000.

Which sounds expensive… until you compare it to the cost of a bad relationship.

A bad relationship can cost years. Years of peace, confidence, emotional energy. Years spent trying to fix someone who never intended to change.

Which is why I’ve become fascinated by what people choose to value when they’re dating.

Because some people are looking to be gifted a bag. And some people have realized they are the bag.

& those people tend to make very different decisions.

Living in Los Angeles, I’ve watched countless women become fixated on the same things: the handbag, the jewelry, the vacation, the reservation, the grand gesture. Somewhere along the way, luxury became intertwined with love. A man spending money became evidence of investment. The more expensive the gift, the more meaningful it seemed.

And listen, I love beautiful things as much as anyone, and I appreciate generosity. I think romance matters, so this isn’t an argument against gifts.

But at some point I started wondering why we’re so impressed by things that can be purchased in an afternoon

A Chanel bag costs what, a few thousand dollars? Okay. But what exactly does that bag do for your life?

Does it teach someone how to communicate during conflict? Does it make them emotionally mature? Does it make them loyal? Does it make them a better parent? Does it make them kinder? Does it give them integrity? Does it make them self-aware?

Of course not.

The bag is easy. What’s difficult is becoming the kind of person who can build a healthy relationship over twenty years.

What’s difficult is learning emotional regulation. Taking accountability. Building a meaningful career. Maintaining your health. Becoming someone people trust. Learning how to apologize. Learning how to listen. Learning how to keep your word when it’s inconvenient.

Those things are expensive.

And yeah, they dont cost money. But they cost years. Years of mistakes, discipline, and actual growth. Years of learning from your mistakes and choosing the harder path when nobody is watching.

And that’s why I am less impressed by displays of wealth and more impressed by displays of character.

Anybody can spend money once but few people can sustain value over time.

I think one of the reasons people get distracted by symbols of value is because they haven’t fully recognized their own value yet.

When you don’t feel valuable, you’re constantly looking for evidence that you are.

Sometimes that evidence comes in the form of attention, other times it’s validation, or status. And sometimes it’s expensive gifts.

The gift becomes proof… Proof that you’re desired. Proof that you’re chosen. Proof that you’re important.

But the problem with external proof is that you need it over and over again because it never fully sticks.

A handbag, or compliment, or grand gesture can give you a rush. But eventually the feeling fades and you’re left asking the same question you were asking before:

How do I feel about myself when nobody is validating me?

The women I’ve met who have the strongest sense of self still appreciate generosity and romance; but they aren’t using those things as evidence of their worth.

They already decided they were valuable before the gift arrived.

And I think that’s what changes when you start building a life you’re proud of… you become harder to impress. And to be clear, your standards do not become impossible. But they do become different.

If I wasn’t afraid to hurt your feelings, Id tell you to stop asking:

“What can this person buy me?” And start asking, “Who is this person?”

Ask if they are happy, if they have integrity, if they can regulate their emotions. Ask how they treat people who can do nothing for them? What do their friendships look like? Do they take accountability when they make mistakes?Have they built a life they genuinely enjoy, or are they constantly escaping from it?

Because the reality is that you’re choosing someone who may influence your happiness, your peace, your future children, your finances, your health, and the overall quality of your life.

So stop overlooking glaring character flaws because someone is attractive, successful, charismatic, or wealthy. & Stop confusing potential with reality. Or thinking that chemistry can compensate for incompatibility.

And start paying attention to the things that actually matter.

Can this person create peace? Can they navigate hard conversations? Can they support me through difficult seasons? Can we build something together?

The irony is that becoming the bag has very little to do with money.

I’ve met women with very little money who were absolutely the bag. Because they were confident without being arrogant, and interesting without trying too hard.

They were kind, intelligent, emotionally healthy, and deeply secure in who they were.

And I’ve also met people surrounded by luxury who were desperately seeking validation from everyone around them.

One was wealthy. The other was valuable. Those are not always the same thing.

The older I get, the more I realize that some of the most expensive things in life aren’t for sale at all.

A healthy nervous system, a trustworthy partner, a peaceful relationship, a strong sense of self. A life built with intention. These things are luxuries too.

And they’re far rarer than anything sitting behind glass at a luxury store. & so maybe that’s the shift.

The moment you realize you’re the most valuable asset in the equation, you stop chasing things that merely look valuable.

And yes, ofcourse, you can still like beautiful things. But now you also understand the difference between something that has a price tag and something that has actual value.

And once you understand that, you can start dating differently. Because you realize the most valuable thing in the equation was never the bag. It was you.